Friday, February 1, 2013

What to do if you suspect your Christian friend Aaron Jon Broich from Corvallis, OR might be a Satanist


STEP 1:  Tell Aaron not to visit you.


STEP 2:  Tell your friends!


STEP 3:  Write an article about why, specifically, you suspect that your friend might be a Satanist:


NOTE:  I do not think it is extremely likely that Aaron is actually a practicing Satanist. 



Nevertheless, I don't feel comfortable around him and I've recorded some of my bizarre reasoning for this below.

Yesterday my friend Aaron said on the phone that he could "come over at 6:00" and "bring some chard."

A 6:00 alarm bell rang in my head. I felt a tingling sensation between my eyebrows when Aaron said that about coming over at 6:00 and bringing chard.

[see article "MariNoia, Vol. VII: What to do if you suspect your MMJ grower might be a Satanist"]

He didn't say "Swiss chard" but I made that connection myself.

And I filtered what Aaron said through my paranoid brain and thought that what he was really saying was that he was possessed by the Devil and was planning, somehow, to rape me when he came over to my place.

I told him, "You're coming over at 6:00 and you're bringing chard?  Don't you mean you're coming over at 666 o'clock and bringing Swiss chard (Swiss has three letters "s") so you're bringing SSS Chode over here to rape me?  Satan's penis?"

You would think that such a question would make Aaron laugh if I were wrong in my ass-ump-shun.  The Aaron I know would burst out laughing at that if it really were as preposterous as it sounds.  But he didn't laugh.  He got angry, and then said that wasn't true, and angrily told me that I needed to "crack the Book of John."  I again felt that I heard a hidden message in this statement, and interpreted it to mean that he wanted to crack the butt of John (which is my name) (I'm Butters). 

[see post "Why I think people want to rape me"]

I told him I didn't want him to come over.  He pretended not to hear what I had said, told me he needed to go, and hung up.  It was only because I then called many of my friends and one of them called him that he did not come over to my place.

(I'm either really paranoid or really perceptive this time, folks.  My funny feeling about Sun Shine Sweet Sativa (Sunshine Sweet Sativa - SSS) served me right with that marijuana grower - I was right that time, even though I thought I was paranoid when I first had that funny feeling.  I certainly could be paranoid in this instance (I even think I probably am) but I have to at least record my feeling on this chard situation even if it's wrong.)

If you never listen to your gut (or butt) feelings, how will you know how accurate they are?

But you guys need a little bit more context to understand why I connected "chard" with "chode"


Please watch this episode of South Park:

(Pay particular attention to the part where Randy Marsh opens the door for Chad/Thad, the UPS man, who is "fucking everyone's wives.")

http://www.watchsouthparkonline.net/season-16/episode-10-insecurity/

In my humble opinion, Chad's very name is a penis joke - it sounds like chode, shaft, and also chard.



 
And when he said that I should "crack the Book of John" he wasn't really talking about the Book of John.  He was talking about cracking my ass "BO-OK" - the letters 'O' look like butt cheeks.

I know that's a "stretch" but I also know to listen to my gut and my heart.

(I've been looping my own urine and my ear chakras are opening to intuitive messages! - see post "Water Of Love")
 


STEP 4:  Comic relief!

If anything, Satan's penis has got to be called the SSS Chode - it is almost a nautical name.

My evil twin Kenan says that his penis is called The Enterprise, another nautical name.  He is for the New World Order, and so I suspect he may be a Satanist.  He hinted that something like 1/100 people practice Satanism, or at least know something about it.

[See article "KGH, my evil twin"].


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